Behind Relationship Failures

Friction and/or problems between two people are common, not just as lovers, but even as friends, parent-children and many other bonds that exist without labels. All these bonds are some or the other form of relationship. Problems between two people can sometimes be so intense that it might end up crumbling the bond in to tiny pieces. And what gives rise to such dissonance? Misunderstandings. Surprised? Don't be, if you sit and reflect, you would realize that misunderstandings are indeed the single most effective factor that can manifest itself into several other issues and lead to a relationship failure. If I have to simplify, I would say:

When it comes to dissonance between two people, 
  • The main cause is: Misunderstandings
  • Major cause to misunderstandings is: "We don't see the world as it is, we see it as a reflection of who we are." (Thanks to our fears, insecurities, ego etc)
  • Most suitable solution: Having an attitude of listening with an empty mind to understand, rather than listening with a mind full of presumptions and judge. Focus has to be "understanding" not judgement.
Now, let us look at each of these three points in detail:

Misunderstandings:
Misunderstandings can simply be comprehended as "difference in perceptions". Difference of opinions and perceptions between two people is a common and natural phenomenon, but when it exists for too long, it breeds negativity between two people. When two people fail to understand each other's perspective COMPLETELY, there are very high chances that they develop negative presumptions, if not grudges, with respect to each other, which in turn, will lead to a chain of negativity and will eventually start reflecting in all aspects of the relationship, creating problems that didn't even exist in the first place!

World as a reflection of our own self:
Now, time for the credits. The idea for this blogpost came in after I saw a video of Chandresh Bhardwaj , a USA based lifestyle speaker and spiritual guide, speaking on relationships and how ego are the main cause behind most failed relationships. And then, I went into my introspection mode, and realized how true it was! After all, isn't it ego that serves as a prime support to the creation and sustenance of misunderstandings between two people?
"We see the world not as it is but as we are"- Robin Sharma
 Now that is one quote i live my life by and repeat every morning before I talk to anyone. Does it help? Yes, it does. Every time I am urged to feel anger or irritation at someone without LISTENING to his or her perspective of the situation, I am reminded that since I have not made an attempt to UNDERSTAND h/her, whatever chain of thoughts are provoking negative feelings in me are nothing but a reflection of my own self. Or else, why on the earth will I think that an "x" person, behaved in a "y" manner, in a "z" situation, because of these "abc" reasons? Who am I to declare their thought process? A mind reader? No, I am not. These chain of thoughts are nothing but the most likely manner in which I would have behaved in that situation. What has the other person got to do with it?

And where do these presumptions, judgement and negativity come from?  EGO, FEAR, INSECURITY. In my opinion, these three words are the cause of all misery that we suffer in human relationships. It is because our ego doesn't want to understand anything, it is because we are afraid of several things/outcomes.feelings that even we can't comprehend and it is because we are insecure owing to these fears, that we seek "guarantee" in everything, including "relationships". And the moment "human relationships" deviate even a little from the expected path, we panic, judge and misunderstand. All this while, we forget that human mind is flexible and grows with every damn minute and we cannot anticipate the direction in which it will mature and in how much time. 

We need to keep in mind that:
  • Every individual is a distinct being, with a unique thought process, that only they can explain.
  • Most likely, even the same person may have different response to the same situation occurring at two different time instances.


The solution: Listen to understand, not to judge:
In the above paragraph, I have highlighted the importance of listening to the other person before jumping to conclusions. The major problem here is, many of us listen just to complete the formality of listening. We have just one agenda in mind, to prove the other person wrong. And that is so miserable! Coming to conclusions without understanding ALL aspects of the situation can be dangerous and hence it is very importance to keep "understanding the other person" as the priority of the exercise instead of giving importance to proving ourselves right. 

Comments

  1. Wise writing. Its just tat sometimes, even talking doesnt help, unless the person holds an appreciation for the other at a basic level.

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  2. Very well said Rupali. Communication is the foundation of all relationships. Those who are adept in communication have very less problems in relationships.

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