My thoughts on Ravinder Singh's new book, "This love that feels right", Open marriages and love outside marriage
This love that feels right, based on the concept, “you can
control someone’s actions, not their mind”, is a thought provoking take on open
marriages and emotional bonds outside marriage.
The book beautifully explores how an emotional void in a relationship
can lead to a man or a woman seeking companionship outside marriage, and no,
they are not wrong. At the end of the day, we are all human beings, and crave
to be deeply understood, valued, and respected by our partner. But when these
basic human needs are not satisfied, a man or a woman tends to become more
vulnerable to share their innermost feelings with someone who understands,
values and respects them. Emotional void is as good as suffocation, and who
enjoys that?
Of course! Every marriage goes through its ups and downs.
You cannot give up on someone you love, just because you had a fight/difference
of opinion. Of course not. But what when someone takes the efforts to make
things work, but their partner is still indifferent to them? What when the
commitment to make it work, is just one-sided? And what when, despite all the
efforts, you still feel suffocated in your marriage? What then?
The author nowhere encourages infidelity, but what he
rightly encourages is to “break free” from relationships that do not make you
happy; from people who do not make you feel loved & valued; bonds that do
not make you feel understood; and eco systems that do not make you feel
respected.
Another contemporary setup that Ravinder Singh explores is
the rising open marriages and the social conditioning that patronizes them.
There is an un-ending debate going on about the basic nature
of human beings in terms of being monogamous or polygamous. I personally feel
that you cannot generalize.
But then, what can also not be discounted is the fact that
monotony in intimate lives of married
couples is a reality. Just that some
people are comfortable with it, and some are not.
Ravinder Singh, with all due respect and grace, discusses
the perspective of people who are not comfortable with the idea of monotony in
their intimate lives.
Attraction to opposite sex is as natural as attraction to
anything else we desire. We don’t always give into all our desires, but what
when your attraction is so strong towards someone, that supressing it pervades
each and every aspect of your life, including your marriage? And interestingly,
although your attraction for someone is that strong, the person you love, is
still your partner! You would never take the kind of efforts/make sacrifices
that you make for your partner, for the person you are attracted to.
Your partner is still the one you want to come back home to,
feel the sense of belonging to, wanting to have babies with and grow old with!
The person you are attracted to, with all due respect, makes you feel wanting
to explore your intimate side.
What would you do in such a situation? Would you let the
suppression of your desires affect your marriage or would you go and discuss
your dilemma with your partner?
And it is these situations that give rise to open marriages.
And the world patronizes them! Why? Is wanting sex a crime? Open marriages are
all about CONSENSUAL Intimate encounters, with your “partner’s knowledge”. Yet,
a lot of us, look down on people who are either into them, or talk about them
positively.
The book painfully points out how, we as a society, have
made sex-something that is a natural human need-a make or break parameter to
determine someone’s character.
It was high time that someone spoke about the so-called
“taboo” topic, and Ravinder Singh has slayed it with this book. Congratulations
Ravin!!!
Thumbs up on this one.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, do share it :)
DeleteTrue..!!!
ReplyDeleteTrue..!!!
ReplyDeleteNothing new, polygamy with a new name(open marriage). Not a radically novel idea, just a repackaging of old tradition which never really worked in the past, not to say women were most affected(from it) socially. It is better to get divorced and move on for both the sexes.
ReplyDeleteWell I choose to disagree to agree :)
Delete:)
DeleteI must admit that u did a gr8 job..it takes smthng special to review smthng beautiful in that splendid way which u did..hats off..ravin sir must b so proud to hv readers like u who embraces the character in the novels in this way..
ReplyDeleteThank you, Aniruddha!
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ReplyDeleteWell written.
I feel two thoughts / situations are different
1. emotional void : no one can replace / fill / fix then break out of that trapping relation better move away
2. sexual desires out of monotonous way :
This is pretty vague as it is based on
a. either the personor he/she is not into just feelings but more of physicality.
b. there is fond of change ( desire for novelty )
In both the cases open marriage does let you keep practical aspects tied to one person but you explore physical and emotional need with other.
Now my point is , a. can be knocked out when you have partner who has skills those are maddening and body that makes you drool more than any one and wildness to explore that breaks the chain of cliche sex
But b. types can never be satisfied even if partner is so good , or hot like Chris Hemsworth , or is explorative like Mr Grey , the partner would still lust over a change and may want a different race or body to satiate need for change .
I guess that is the root and when we are sure about it it is not just sex that is cliche everything in life becomes cliche like the relation unless it is so comforting that money is good or freedom is endless. So it boils down to some on who is compatible with you who gives you "space" and "freedom" and "comfort" to keep it operative (money / kids / some one to go back to when you are satiated a to affirm with pat of confidence that you are right).
Well written.
ReplyDeleteI feel two thoughts / situations are different
1. emotional void : no one can replace / fill / fix then break out of that trapping relation better move away
2. sexual desires out of monotonous way :
This is pretty vague as it is based on
a. either the personor he/she is not into just feelings but more of physicality.
b. there is fond of change ( desire for novelty )
In both the cases open marriage does let you keep practical aspects tied to one person but you explore physical and emotional need with other.
Now my point is , a. can be knocked out when you have partner who has skills those are maddening and body that makes you drool more than any one and wildness to explore that breaks the chain of cliche sex
But b. types can never be satisfied even if partner is so good , or hot like Chris Hemsworth , or is explorative like Mr Grey , the partner would still lust over a change and may want a different race or body to satiate need for change .
I guess that is the root and when we are sure about it it is not just sex that is cliche everything in life becomes cliche like the relation unless it is so comforting that money is good or freedom is endless. So it boils down to some on who is compatible with you who gives you "space" and "freedom" and "comfort" to keep it operative (money / kids / some one to go back to when you are satiated a to affirm with pat of confidence that you are right).