"Chanchal, don't make me feel that your ex was right for what he did to you."
That was a blow! How could he even comment that way without even being aware of all the necessary details? I tried to keep my cool, but things went above my head when he continued his manipulation. His voice and logic itself made it clear that he was lying. Memories of Tarun, the night of August 1, and Sahil's words made me mad. All I’d wanted to speak was well-planned with the expectation that, over the phone, he won’t lie...but he did, this irritated me way too much to be sensible any more. There are something’s we all are sensitive about. For me, it’s fidelity. A lie, just to accuse me of having intentions of making a man an infidel, that was too much for me to take gracefully.
August 5 was the last when we spoke. That night, I very calmly explained him my perspective, but all in vain. He stressed only on the numerous irritating calls I made. I wanted to shift his focus and make him understand what I exactly felt on the night of August 1, but that wasn't the right time.
What I could not digest from that call was his statement that,
"You are being involved in my life more than a mother."
I never tried to control his life. I never told him to do this or do that. We were not committed so I never restricted him from considering any other girl. Never had a problem that he wants to stop the intimacy. I was irritated and questioning only about his lie and manipulation. How does that mean that I am so involved in his life? He always expected honesty from me, what's wrong if I expected the same? Had I lied to him, he would have been upset as well, maybe would have never even spoken to me again. So, if I get hurt at his manipulation and question him for that, how does that mean that I am behaving like his gf or mother?
I realized I needed to know his mind. I called up Neha and took access to her facebook account. Read all the chats between them.
In the chat of August 3, he confessed to her that he had faked the relatinship with Natasha and that he is still emotionally unavailable. he was the same Sahil, who knew what a mess I could be but was still ready to believe in me. All the time I was wondering,
'when he knows me so well, whats taking so long for him to understand what I went through on the night of august 1??'
I then read the chat of August 5, when he had decided not to talk to me ever again. That was a long chat, but one statement stuck me:
"No Neha, Chanchal was never hurt, she just wanted to irritate me and strech things"
Ya...I was never hurt, I just enjoy screaming and screeching silently in pain till 4am in the morning. Its really fun :p. And yes, I just wanted to irritate him and strech things, that was the reason why, when he accused me of the extra marital thing, instead of coming up with various other issues that we spoke of on chat, I just questioned on the concerned matter to clarify things...Huh!
He also mentioned to her that I hurt him. He didn't mention when or how, but I understood that.
Indeed, for bonds that are built on honesty and open communication; giving up, signal communication and manipulation act like poison.
I then remembered what my mentor once quoted to me,
"Chanchal, mind is a complex thing. At times we have something in our mind and we say something else. That’s normal."
That held true for Sahil and me. Our hearts, our minds and our words were in complete disagreement.
Though unknowingly, in our pain/irritation, we both ended up hurting someone we never wanted to see hurt-EACH-OTHER. In irritation he needed time, and due to pain, I was too impatient to wait, but our final intentions were the same, sorting out things....
I didn't contact him for next few days. I had been rude to him, had irritated him to the core, though unknowingly, but left no stone unturned to hurt him...all this in spite of being well-aware of his intentions. I hated myself...yes, his manipulation hurt me too, but two wrongs don't make one right! I don't know why I forget that all the time? But the best was yet to come.
After irritating him to the core, fighting with him and being extremely rude him, on the evening of August 10, all of a sudden, I realised that I love him!
Honestly, I didn't knew hoe this happened! When? I did not had an answer for that either. But as of then, the bottom line truth was that, in the middle of all the fun we had, all the memories we created and all the care we had for each other, I fell for him. There was no denying in this and I am pretty happy that when I first realized my feelings for him, I did not chose to live in the mode of denial.
I first informed my close friends. By the time it was mid-night, almost everyone who knew me was informed that I WAS IN LOVE, except Sahil. The feeling of love was amazing, it was after a long time that this beautiful feeling had paved its way into my soul. I cherished every bit of it.
But the next day, I started feeling heavy, for I hadn't told Sahil about it. I spoke about it to Neha. We both were of the opinion that in such situations I should not tell him, but then, considering how heavy I was feeling she advised and convinced me to listen to my heart.
In the evening I texted Sahil that I needed to talk to him and asked when can I call him. No response, so on the morning of august 12, I sent him a text:
"I am takin ur silence as a no 4 cl. msgn u evrythng. pl try to understand. sahil, dere ws nthng lyk dis b4, its jst d day b4 evenin wen i reralised dat i do hav sum feelings 4 u. no, dont worry, m not askin u 4 any commitment, jst informing. u knw wat? 1 year ago itself i assumed this possibility n decided dat if sumthng like this happens, i wont hide it, wil jst honestly say it. Sahil, evn if v wud hav been physical, i wud hav told dis n wud hav chosen to keep d physical intimacy, feelings n frndship independent of eachothr.Dats wat m doin now. sahil, "i love u" is jst an expression of wat i feel n nt a proposal, so just chill....m nt proposing u n nor wil i do tht. i do undrstnd dat ur focus at the moment is ur career n derez no space 4 a relationship in ur life for nxt 4 years ATLEAST. Same wit me Sahil. dekh feelings pe aapka cntrl nai hota, wo bas aa jaate h...bt jahan mera cntrl h, wahan m still d same person. m still nt sure wethr m ready 4 a relation. m 100% sure tht i dnt hav faith in marriage. So relax...I love u bt I'll deal wit it. As a frnd I had 2 b honest to u, bt believe me, u dont hav to worry abt dis. I do undrstnd ur situation n i knw mine as well. tk cre. Hope u undrstnd n sorry 4 evrythng."
He didn’t reply. Maybe, after the entire blunder, he too needed time.
Since I was feeling heavy, I headed for Mount mary. I'm not a religious person but for some reason mount Mary gives me peace. I spent some time there and walked down to bandstand. While walking down, I felt a sense of freedom in me. I felt light...the feeling of love was now entering my soul in true spirits. The cloudy waterfront looked more beautiful and the short walk by it felt so romantic, a smile took over my face for no reason. It was after a long time that I felt this way, and it was really beautiful...
Yes, the memories of the night of August 1 still hurt me. Days are somehow spent in disguise, but the nights were lonely, I had to face myself. The nights that were virtually spent in his arms, were now spent in the teary memories of manipulation. Pain replaced pleasure..
These nights also served as a mirror to me. I realised I didn't had strength left in me. I have always been the types who easily get over things that hurt them, no matter how bad. In past 21 years of my life, this was only the second time I failed. I didn't had the strength to get over Sahil's manipulation...in spite of being aware that it was fake, that his intentions were true, that he cares for me....something about that night, maybe the intentional blame on a topic I am sensitive to, pained me. But yes, not even for a moment did I cry or got upset that I am in love with a guy who doesn't love me or I don't have a future with. Now, that's the power of love.
On one such weak nights, Neha called up. excerpts:
"Chunu, its ok. have faith."
"Neha, darling I have faith. dont worry about me and sahil. Even i dont think much about it. Its all about belonging. If there is no one who is more compatible with us, except for each other, If we belong to each other, today or tomorrow, we'll end up being together and at that time, my reservations about legal commitment and his emotional unavailability wont really matter. And if we don't belong to each other, then we may even get into a relationship today, but it won't last for long. Its all about belonging sweetheart....its all about belonging"
I said all this more to comfort my own self. I do love him, I also understand that just because I love someone doesn't mean that they have to love me the same way, I also believe that as long as you know this, its OK to love anyone, even if they don't love you, but a part of me was worried as to how ill I stay with this? I had assured Sahil that they are my emotions and I'll take care of them and that there is no need for him to worry, but deep within even I wasn't sure if I had enough strength...
Right then, a voice from within me, said;
"Quiet Chanchal. Quiet. If even after all that has happened, you could gather the courage to love someone again, will all your heart, in spite of being well aware of his emotional unavailability, then at the right time, you will also gather the strength to stay with it proudly. Where there is courage, Strength is bound to follow.....remember, its all about belonging..."
I took a deep breath looked at the window, shivered and then suddenly smiled...saw something that petrifies me, but today, it reminded me of sahil as my fear for this very thing was the topic we spoke about on the very first day....CHIPKALI :D