Its all about belonging-Part 2

To read the first part of this story "Its all about belonging-Part 1"  Click here

Part 2
Around noon, I received a reply from him on facebook. It read,

"I’m leaving Mumbai in an hour...it was awesome to meet you...keep in touch :)"

I almost suffered a mini heart-attack when I first read this. Without realising, tears started flowing down my cheeks; I was sitting with my back rested on the wall, a heavy lump in my throat and my eyes fighting my tears. I read that message again and again, several times, hoping for it to be an April fool's joke, but it wasn't.

I made a call to Aaliya, she stays in my building and during those days, her std. 10th board exams were on. She was having her lunch when I called her, but I was too upset to be considerate. Infact, my tone was seemed to be that of order and I asked her to literally leave her lunch and reach my place. My last words to her on that call were, "I need you."

Aaliya was at my place in 5 minutes. At that time, I was speaking to Neha and Aayushi over the phone. Both of them stayed in hostels. Neha in Jalandhar and Aayushi in Raigad. Aaliya came and sat next to me. Alisha was already there. None of us knew what to say. I was multitasking, sobbing and trying to hide my tears at the same time.

After spending some more time with my girlfriends, I took a deep breath, gathered all my energy, logged into my Facebook account and wrote a stupid, chirpy, upbeat and funny reply to him along with my best wishes for the journey and life in Bangalore. As usual, I was careful to not reflect my sorrow in the message, but I was sure that once again, he would have read between the lines.

It was for this understanding that I never asked him as to why didn't he inform me about his transfer in advance. I knew that he was well aware that this news will make me feel a bit low. Also, even I was well aware that though it wasn't tough for him to tell me this, it wasn't easy either and I could sense this in his reply as well. More so, as we had planned to meet on April 3.

We both had never discussed as to how I would felt when he left for Bangalore or what went on in his mind when he informed me about his departure because we both understood very well that we could do nothing about it as it was a crucial step for him. We chose not to discuss this as whatever we needed to know was already known to us between the lines.

Anyways, after texting him, I told Aaliya to get back to studies and told Alisha, "Ali, I need some time on my own. Please revise whatever we have studied till now. I’m not in a state to study now and need rest."

Alisha understood my situation and nodded in support. I went to another room and cried myself to sleep. All the time, once again, a part of me hoped for it to be an April fool's joke, but it wasn't. Sahil was going for real.

I got up in the evening. For next two days, we had a couple of casual chats. Nothing intimate. I had assumed that we won't be intimate any more but things began to change soon. We were intimate again, on the phone and the web. Nothing, except cities, changed between us.

We did had a longing for each other and it was clearly evident in the stupid excuses I suggested to him to come back to Mumbai despite his work in Bangalore and also in the silly options he gave me to dodge my parents and manage a trip there...all so that we could meet. We still enjoyed the same friendship, honesty, trust, bond, fun, understanding...everything was the same. We enjoyed the same bonding.

In mid-july, he shared with me that Natasha, his colleague, had proposed to him. On a serious note, I advised him to listen to his heart, but on a funny note, being aware of his "Emotionally unavailable" status, I left no chance to tease him...

We spoke so cutely after a long time. No, things weren't rough between us. But for more than a month, they weren't like before either. The paradox that we were still intimate but he was being resistant, slowly started to irritate me. I did try to confront him a couple of times, but got no response on the matter. Although, I tried to keep my irritation to myself, by the end of July, it became evident to him in my behavior.
On the night of August 1. I called him up. Excerpts:
"Chanchal, you are surely going to make Natasha break up with me. Every time I am with her, you have to call! Even now, her call is on waiting and she texted me saying, 'it must be Chanchal, you talk to her first.'"
"Sahil, are you dating her?"
"Yes"
"Since when?"
“last week"
"3 days ago I had sent you an intimate mail, to which you replied. Why didn't you tell me then?"
"Because I wasn't in a mood to tell"

He spoke with such cool as if nothing had happened but even before I’d realised, I was in tears. I felt pain entering my body. In that pain, I called him up again. Call waiting....I waited, after some time, he picked the call and said,

"Don't call me again. If you do so, I'll block you." and disconnected the call. He didn't even hear a single word from me.

I still kept trying. A few minutes later he switched off his cell and slept, but here, my pillow was absorbing my silent yet painful screams till 4am in the morning.

No, it wasn't because he had a girl in his life. Had that been the case, then after having been told of her attraction towards him, I wouldn't have said, "Sahil, what is it that you want? There's no point in holding back if you feel for her."

Nor was it because we wouldn't be intimate anymore. In past two years, we had thought over discontinuing our intimacy, atleast three times and had even stood by our decision for a while. It never hurt nor did I ever get hyper. So, even this wasn’t the reason for my hyper behaviour.

It was something else. Earlier, I was in a relationship and was extremely clear about one thing,

"Tarun (my past), if you are not happy with me, you can leave me any day you wish to. But please, do not break anyone's trust because of what we share."

I said this because, as a friend, Tarun did matter to me, and I didn't want our good moments to suffer or lose his friendship because of what had happened between us. I’d told the same thing to Sahil. But back then, inspite of me being explicitly clear about this, Tarun double-dated, ruining all our good moments and making our friendship suffer because his girl had a problem with me. At that point, it was Sahil who lifted me up and gave me hope but what he said on the night of August 1, was so similar to the past, that it pierced my heart.

Being a girl, I understand a girl's insecurities. Had I been in a relationship with a guy who was earlier intimate with someone else, I would have expected him to officially end things with her, before getting into a relationship with me. Natasha must have expected the same. This entire situation had placed me in a position where I never wanted to be and I was angry at Sahil for this. I felt I owed Natasha an apology.

I messaged Sahil on Facebook  expressing my disappointment on the WAY he ended things and requesting him to make me speak to Natasha once as I wanted to apologize.

I calmed myself after that and patiently waited for his reply in the morning. I did get his reply, but with a shocker. On knowing my disappointment, he accused me of having serious intentions of having an extra marital affair with him! Yes, we did speak of an extra marital affair on our chats, but I wasn't in it one alone, he was equally involved, so now how could I be blamed for it? Moreover, I was the one to remind him on a serious note that even though we had planned our extra marital affair, we both knew it wasn’t going to happen as we both believed in fidelity. Also, just like the extra marital affair we had also spoken of getting married and having children...but all that had been said just for momentary fun AND HE KNEW THAT VERY WELL, as most of those topics had been brought up by him.

I was stunned at his behaviour  It all seemed so nostalgic. Two years ago, in front of his gf, Tarun had denied his relationship with me and accused me of  coming between them, inspite of the fact that I had pleaded him to be faithful, and today, Sahil was behaving in similar fashion.

I got hyper again, pain and fear gripped me. I started calling Sahil vigorously. He blocked my number but I still kept trying, begging him to talk to me once. Calling someone so desperately will surely irritate that person to the core, but I was in pain as well and I needed to know the truth. Of course, 60calls in 45mins are not justified, but my pain wasn’t unjustified either.

Yes, Tarun was my past, but even if I eliminate him from the situation, I still feel that making a girl, for whom fidelity matters, feel that she intentionally plans to ruin your relationship, would obviously bother her.

The same day, I spoke to my friend, Neha, she was also in contact with sahil and had questioned him about this. She read his reply to me. His reply had a sense of fakeness to it...In fact, to neha, he even denied answering my intimate mail. I calmed myself down and recollected his behavior since last night and it suddenly clicked me that he would have never behaved this way had he been in a relationship. He was a "non-senti" person although perhaps, the real Sahil was an extremely sensitive person, having a great command over his emotions and preferred being the "non-senti" type.

Zap! I realized something else as well. As I mentioned things weren't the same between us and I was irritated for that, I'm sure that he MISTOOK my irritation for possessiveness and emotional attraction and hence faked a relationship with Natasha!

Amazing! The second time we thought of stopping our intimacy, he had clearly stated that we needed to stop as he is afraid that we might start feeling for each other. What had happened to him now? Why did he choose to manipulate and hurt me instead of directly confronting me?

My consciences were relieved but I was still upset and irritated that such a good friend of mine, who had always maintained, "I Hate lies"; manipulated me so badly in order to make me feel that I was intentionally trying to ruin a relationship.

He had done the only thing that I hadn't wanted him to do. I felt agitated and in irritation, decided to go for a dinner with Bhavesh. I informed Sahil about this.

On august 3, I met Bhavesh and realized why Sahil hadn’t wanted me to. I hate to admit this, but he was right. That evening, I left the restaurant even before I was done with the starters. During the half an hour that I was there, I’d addressed Bhavesh as sahil at least thrice. I didn’t wanted to think about sahil, but I just couldn't stop..

While Neha was trying to explain to me that I was being too impatient, and even Sahil is bothered with this impatience, my irritation crossed all limits and I told her:

"Tell him to bother only about his pseudo relationship... for which-in reality-he lied to and manipulated me...I'll find a replacement soon (Never meant it)" I said this inspite of Neha informing me that my assumption, about Sahil faking a relationship with Natasha, was correct.

I admit I was wrong. I shouldn't have said that. Yes I was hurt by his manipulation and intentional blame game, but two wrongs don’t make one right. That night, I made several calls to Sahil...being patient was an option, but I was in so much pain that it seemed like the only thing that could calm me was an extremely honest conversation with him.

We finally spoke on the night of August 4. That night, I expected that things would sort out but things turned into a blunder. In my irritation I unknowingly ended up being rude to him. Worse came when he said,
"Chanchal, don't make me feel that your ex was right for what he did to you."

To read the third and final part of this story: "Its all about belonging-Part 3" Click here

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