Its all about belonging-Part 1

Emotionally devastated, robbed of faith and filled with the pain of betrayal. This was the pathetic condition that defined me when Sahil entered my life as a mere facebook friend and soon became someone who gave me back my faith and filled me with a new energy.

We were two different people from the same planet. Open minds, vision above the set society standards, courage and a desire of honesty in our friendship! We were on the same wavelength. Similar ideologies coupled with open minds and honesty help us understand each other better and our respect for each other grew deeper with each discussion we had. Ofcourse, being in the same city only brought us closer, leading to a strong bond of friendship between us.

Sahil was a face reader par excellence and this furthur added to our understanding. We were soon at a position where we read each other between the lines and heard, we heard what we did not say.
I remember, that incident from mid of March 2011. It had hardly been a month and a half since we had known each other and I was meeting him for the second time. In no time, our casual talks had turned to some serious discussions and suddenly, out of nowhere he touched upon a topic that took my breath away. It was that side of me which hardly anyone knew about. But Sahil had not only guessed it correctly but he also stunned me with a direct question in direct words. I went numb. I could barely answer. I found myself fumbling.
I could clearly see and feel that someone had managed to read my face beyond its mask. That day, at that point, in front of him, I felt naked...I couldn't do anything beyond fumbling...failing to understand what to do, how to respond, what to say or how to even change the topic...I went numb.

This wasn't the only incident of such sort. In the time that followed, there were a couple of more incidents where I could feel Sahil listening to and understanding my unsaid words.
No, we were not in a relationship. After an extremely bitter experience with Tarun and a couple of other social observations, a part of me was resistant to relationships and legal commitment. I had my own reservations against relationships and no longer believed in the institution of marriage. Sahil, on the other hand, was an extremely focused person. He had a concrete plan ready for his life and a relationship was surely not on his radar for next 4 years, atleast.
So yes, I was emotionally devastated and Sahil was emotionally unavailable. No, cupid did not play its role but our human carnal desires did. Soon, by the time it was mid-June, we became extremely close in all aspects.
No, we were never into a relationship, but in my opinion, what we shared was so perfect that we didn't need a relationship. Infact, I found our bond to be much better than that of a relationship. Deep understanding, utmost honesty, satisfaction of carnal needs and above all, a space to be extremely frank without any hesitation....simply perfect!
Our bond also had a strong element of care, protection and belief. I being the slightly immature one among us, Sahil showered these wise elements on me whole-heartedly. He never tried to control or dominate me. Yes, at times he did guide me, advise me and when required, even stopped from taking some stupid decisions, but all that was his care and protection towards me, which I understood very well. With him, I was always free to do whatever I wanted but yes, he never approved of me going for dinner with his one particular friend Bhavesh. He had his own reasons for that which I had a slight idea of so I chose to oblige.
Also, we never consummated our bond. I never stopped him from anything but it was he who understood that I needed time. The second time we decided to get intimate, I had consented to consummate but inspite of being a guy, it was he who said, "Chanchal, you are not ready yet. You need time and I don’t want to hurt you in any way." So then onwards, we choose to be intimate without consummating our bond.
Sahil was someone who never gave up on me. Not even when he discovered of my past medical history that had a shadow of a severe bone disease, which was the real hurdle for me to consummate our bond without being uncomfortable. Any guy in his place would have chosen to give up on me, but he choose to believe in me, chose to give me time and kept motivating me constantly to exercise but I, the ultimate lazy bum, didn't do that.
The USP of our bond was our honesty to each other. We were not honest with each other because we hated lies, but because we gave each other the SPACE to be honest about anything and everything. We were just so comfortable being honest with each other!
I remember asking him, "Sahil, how will you react if someday I came up to you and said that I’ve intimate with someone else or I’m in a relationship with someone else?"
He Replied,
"We are not in a relationship, no commitment between us. So I would be fine with it. But yes, if you tell me later or if I get to know about it from someone else, then that would be bad."
Although that was all what we expected from each other, a couple of weeks later, Sahil requested me not be intimate with anyone except him - not that I was-but he still requested this as he know how bad a judge of men I was, how easily I trusted people and how easily people took advantage of me. I wasn't in a relationship with him but still I chose to honour his request because I was well aware of the concern behind it. On the other hand, I chose not to make any such request myself as I understand that I wasn't satisfying all his human needs.
In time, our bond just grew stronger. At times, we did contemplate to discontinue being intimate and accepted that thought gracefully, but the idea never worked and everytime we ended up back as we were . But no matter what, out bond, our friendship, our trust, our respect, our honesty and our understanding just grew stronger.
In April 2012, Sahil was transferred to Bangalore. I saw his status update regarding the same on April 1, 2012 at 8am. A shudder ran through my body, but I managed to remain calm and composed. At around 11, I gathered myself and wrote him a mesage that read:
"Hey congo......tu bangalore jaa raha hai? Nice place, I went there last December...pretty peaceful place...though lacks vibrancy...still a peaceful place to be...kab jaa rha hai?"
I was ofcourse happy for him. Being transferred to the IT Capital of the country was no doubt a great boost for his career, but yes, a part of me was upset for the fact that we would no longer be in the same city. I tried my best to make sure that this low mood of mine was not reflected in the message I sent him, but considering the understanding we shared, it was pointless.
It was a Sunday and Alisha, one of my four best friends - other three being Aaliya, Neha and Aayushi, had come to my place to study finance as our final year university exams were approaching soon.
Around noon, I received a reply from him on facebook. It read,

"I’m leaving Mumbai in an hour...it was awesome to meet you...keep in touch :)"

To read the second part of this story: "Its all about belonging-Part 2" Click here
To read the third and final part of this story: "Its all about belonging-Part 3" Click here

Comments

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Aakash: This is fiction story dear :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. there is no other story on the blog. rest all are articles :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Replies
    1. Thank you :) Second part will be uploaded soon :)

      Delete
  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's 10:40 p.m. here in Burbank, CA. I came across this post almost half an hour before. I was feeling sleepy after a hectic day in the office. I pushed myself to read till the 5th paragraph. Then in spite of my falling eyelids I was intrigued to complete it. Now you can imagine how wonderful is your narration style. While reading it felt as if you were talking on this page! Congratulations on publishing this beautiful post! And keep it up...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Ganesh,
    That was really motivating. Thank you so much :) Would try to keep writing with same caliber, hope to match up to the expectations of each and every reader of this blog.

    And I have uploaded the next part of the story, u might be interested :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment