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Not every relationship has to have a name: A tribute; A confession!!!!!!

Dear readers,
In my last blog post titled, "Expectations & Attachment are two different aspects in love :)", i had mentioned a small story of Saksham and Raima. Those of you who haven't read that post, please Click Here. Now let me confess that the story of Raima and Saksham is not fictional. It is very much real and I AM THE RAIMA...yes, the author of this blog, Rupali Tyagi is the Raima of that story :) Coming to Saksham, dear readers, I choose not to reveal his identity and I request you all to please respect his privacy as well as this decision of mine.

What I shared with Saksham is precious. It has sculpted me in many ways. Made me a much stronger person and taught the true meaning of detached love. Here is my tribute to something so special and so beautiful.....and oh, the bond I shared with him doesn't have any name. Why? Well, By the time you complete reading this post, you will understand.

February 24, 2013:
Two years ago, things were so different...I was so different...and today, its all upside down! Exactly two years ago, I randomly came across Saksham's profile on Facebook and added him. We became good friends and soon, very good friends. Saksham and I are just two randomly unrandom people and probably that is why we gelled together. We understood each other beyond words.

Soon, we became a lot more than friends. We were never lovers, but off late, we were not just friends either.....we were, like I said in my previous blogpost, "a little more than friends and a lot less than lovers". But honestly, that didn't bother us. The kind of understanding and trust that we shared was so strong and valuable that hurting each other was the last thing we could imagine ourselves doing. We respected each other immensely and owing to the comfort level that we shared, we both immensely valued our friendship. The least that we wanted for each other was, the BEST.

After a year and a half, in August 2012, I fell in love with Saksham. But, same wasn't the case with him! He did not feel the same way for me. I was in love with him and he loved me as a friend. For him, I was his same old caring and silly friend, who is stupid, irritates him, eats his head but at the end of the day, is always there for him, listens to him without being judgmental and above all, someone who understands him :) But the bottom line remained the same-I was in love with him but he wasn't. Honestly, this did not hurt me even a bit...all thanks to Saksham :) Right from beginning, Saksham had been advising me to stay without expectations and attachment in was probably his these advises and support as a friend that helped me in remaining devoid of expectations and attachment. Being a human, attachment is inevitable, in two years, I had felt attachment towards him at least 12-15 times, but after realizing this, it was never a problem for me to detach myself, and Saksham's constant support as a friend, really did help me.

The base of the solid friendship that we shared was made up of trust, honesty, understanding and above all, acceptance. Not that we never fought, we have had our own share of nasty fights, but let me tell you, very rarely. Just 1-2 times in past two years. We always had our own disagreements, but owing to the bond that we shared, we overcame them ohhh so smoothly. Infact, the reason for our rare fights used to be, at the MOST, miscommunication, lack of communication or misconception. Never had we fought due to lack of understanding. We had our first fight in August 2012, and it began with miscommunication which later led to misconceptions.....but as me and Saksham are, we later cleared our differences with transparent communication and we were back to being friends like before, as if nothing ever happened! And yes, things are not good between both of us today either. Our friendship is going through a rough phase....reason is as i mentioned in my last blogpost, but then, even this time, we hadn't had a calm and transparent communication as yet...and I know for sure, once that happens, everything will be sorted!

I and Saksham have had too many funny moments as fact, unlike our fights, they are too many to mention! With Saksham, I have felt every emotion in past two years. pain, anger, irritation, love, friendship, attachment, detachment, happiness, completeness....everything! And believe me people....all this was without any expectations...and this only enhanced the beauty of it all :)

Perhaps, let me also share how Saksham brought me more closer to my passion of writing. Way back in August, when we had out first fight, I well remember how I wanted to venture into self-destruction. I consumed alcohol more than I could handle and did things that really hurt him. This time around I was sure about one thing, no matter what, Saksham is a great friend of mine and if I truly value him, I am not suppose to let him down under any circumstances. Also, Since i truly respect my feelings for him, any form of self-destruction will only be an insult to what I feel for him. But then, fighting with him is something I have always hated to the, of course I was grieving. I had to get over it. self-destruction/alcohol was not an option anymore and hence, to relieve myself, I once again took pen in my hand. My previous 5 posts, 3 of which are poems, are a product of the situations between me and Saksham :)

I don't say that I behaved perfectly this time. No, maybe i did not. But one thing is for sure, I did try....and I did improve...even if a little. In short, I grew as  a person...I tried to take responsibility of my life in my own hands. I might have not stood up to the expectations of Saksham with respect to the way I behaved when he announced that we need to be only "normal friends" from now on....but I am happy that i at least did not let him down by harming myself, that I did not insult my love and that I truly TRIED. And believe me people, this is something I had never done in the past. This is the first time, that I have tried to control my fiercely wild nature, that I truly wanted to look before I leap. Maybe i did not succeed each time, but yes, i tried.....honestly, and I have the confidence that I can do this.

Saksham is not my first love...and I don't know if he'll be my last. But yes, he ll always be special for me...with him, I have grown. There was a time, when I loved someone before Saksham and I was sure of not falling in love again....Infact, in initial days, I did try to stay in denial about my feelings for Saksham...but it was love...till when could it have been hidden? But yes, it taught me one thing, you never know what future holds for you. At some point, keeping in mind the situations then,  I felt that I will never love again...but I did, with all my heart....and today, situations say that its ok...happens, you might find someone even better....honestly, i don't know....and I don't care. future is not where I live. I never forced myself to fall for Saksham and hence, I will never force myself to get over him. Instead, I would prefer making peace with my feelings for Saksham and allow my heart to love him for as long as it wishes to.....without expectations and without attachment. And then, if something is meant to will be. If just wont! Simple as that. But I am sure, JUST LIKE I NEVER FORCED MYSELF TO FALL FOR HIM, I WILL NEVER FORCE MYSELF TO GET OVER HIM!

Before I close this post, i would like to you feel in love is all about your attitude towards it. I am loving a guy who doesn't love me. My friendship with whom is going through a rough phase...but even then, I am in a comfortable space. I might not be happy, but I am comfortable. Self-destruction and hurting Saksham were easy options....but I choose to maintain the dignity of my love and friendship with him. Its all about the choices that you make. Love doesn't drown you....It lifts you...if you are willing to fly.

Of course, my friendship with Saksham is going through a rough phase, but i know, sooner or later it will be sorted. Not just because we care for each other or because we both are good at heart or because we dont wish to hurt each other or anything like will work out mainly because we both believe in each other and have faith in our friendship. In past two years, we "invested" in our friendship :)

And the final notes: Saksham, if you are reading this, although I know you are not, but if you are then Thank you :) Thank you for everything.... thank you for bringing me back to writing, thank you for believing in me and my potential, thank you for helping me grow as a person, thank you for making me face my faults, thank you for all your support and above all, thank you for simply being a part of my life and giving me this beautiful phase to cherish :)


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